Ruby was absolutely healthy and my recovery was just fine and that was all that mattered. I realized months after how the tunnel vision of wanting what I thought was a normal birth experience had hindered me from realizing the doctors where only looking out for my health they where trying to put up blockers form keeping me from getting what I wanted. Because of the emergency csection I developed a lot of scar tissue in my uterus leading to endometriosis and Adenmiosis which caused me to have painful periods and painful ovulation as well as heavy periods. My ob informed me after an in-depth ultrasound that it would be difficult to conceive again naturally if we did try. This was hard to hear because one we did want to try again we weren't done having kids. And two we got pregnant super easy with duke and ruby. Duke was conceived on our second month of trying and ruby was conceived before I even got my period back after breastfeeding Duke. We've been actively trying for about a year and a half. And by actively I mean ovulation tests, the Ava bracelet, temperature tracking. After months of getting negative tests I had to take a break from tracking my ovulation schedule. It gets so hard because you can get sucked into the journey of wanting to get pregnant. It becomes all you can think about and every month it gets harder and harder to see that no appear on every test and to get your period exactly when you expected it. Taking a break from actively trying has been the best thing for us right now I'm trying not to focus on it and trying to enjoy this time with the kids and the age they are and enjoy the time with my husband and make sex more about each other than getting pregnant. I will be seeing a fertility specialist in the beginning of May to see if anything has changed with my scar tissue in the past year and what our options are. Infertility is such a difficult journey to go on, it's one of many difficult journeys woman can endure when trying to conceive and pregnancy but it doesn't make one harder than the other. And yes every time I see a pregnancy announcement it does hurt but I honestly feel more joy for the person who got their positive than sadness. When it's my time it will happen again that I am sure of our pregnancy journey isn't over yet.
When I got pregnant with Ruby I was determined to have a vaginal delivery. With Duke I had to have a csection because he was so large and wouldn't fully decend I was also induced with him and had an epidural that didn't take so I felt like everything was against me and I always felt robbed of the natural delivery that I had seen on so many shows.
So when I got pregnant with Ruby i was on a mission to fully inform myself of what it would take to have a vbac. I became so focused on how to have a successful vbac or a vaginal birth after Caesarian that I almost lost sight of the most important thing: my health and the babies health.. I felt very out of control of this pregnancy and when ruby came 3 weeks early I went to the hospital where I labored for about 8 hours with my midwife and doula but something didn't feel right and I was in so much pain where I was screaming for them to just put me out because it hurt so bad. I ended up having to have an emergency csection still one of the scariest moments of my life (also one of the most traumatizing) They put me under for the delivery, I lost a lot of blood and had to have a transfusion. It ended up that my placenta had begun detaching from the uterus lining which was causing the severe pain and lots of clotting and blood buildup.
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